Loo but I'm already drunk TINIGHT! CAPS ATTACK
I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
He has a really nice penis but its like a model that wasn't built to scale
My overnight senior got drunk and hooked up with Kaylee on Sunday. I checked Facebook and he already put down his deposit for next year. This school should pay me a commission.
sitting on my lesbian neighbors couch, sexting, & eating a burrito.. that single
The "don't get cum on anything" rule also applies to my furniture and scarves
That's not technology. Doesn't count.
I just stood next to my childhood self. Fuck, I'm really stoned...
I just feel like you're using me for sex.
I'm glad you finally understand the context of our relationship
I woke up with a bloody knee, 6 burn marks on my thigh and glitter nails If anyone asks I'm going to say You came into town
Her car is covered in frozen vomit, and she lost her iPhone. I'm also pretty sure I smoked crack last night. Rest in peace 2014.
idk how I feel so profoundly understood by someone whose latest tweet is "labia majora's mask." but I do.
let’s face it, me joining a co-ed soccer league is like, 33% motivated by my crotch seeking a healthy outlet
Is it a bad sign starting the new year off naked, wet, and alone?
Asking for a friend of course
Dammit. the window insulation sheets are too small for my windows. Yet again I am disappointed by size
Neighbor just came over and asked if I had anything to clean blood out of carpet... it's definitely time to move.
Randomize
