Don't look now but I am in class with a mixed drink
Don't look now but my prof just asked me if I was drinking a screwdriver
I served up a girl her first a2m the other day. You would have been proud.
did i have both of my shoes on when the bouncer threw us out last night?
he was terrible at kissing, so i just kept letting him motorboat me. he seemed very pleased with my choice
When he went down on me, I saw his bald spot... It completely ruined the experience
She said her hobbies include bangin guys on one night stands and then sending them facebook relationship requests the next morning just to freak em out
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
We had sex in the bathroom. Good sex. Toilet breaking sex.
I'll always remember 2012 as the year I hooked up with countless girls who had the sides of their heads shaved.
So I just sneezed blood everywhere. On the upside. After yesterday I feel way more confident AND I give even less of a fuck.
That moment when your mom is so drunk she makes you get out of bed to lay in her bed because she thinks it feels like sleeping on a marshmallow peep....
So, Kevin dropping me off at urgent care. Seems my tampon slipped out of reach. Even after he tried to get it out with some kitchen tongs.
the best part is that i get to keep the pot plants and he still has my name tattooed on his ass
Just saw a commercial for non alcoholic baileys cream. WHAT THE HELL IS THE POINT?!
Let’s not dwell on the negatives. I have a fat ass and suck dick well.
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