How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
there really is only one way to give a PowerPoint presentation in your senior capstone class: still drunk.
If you know any fat girls who would pay me for sex, I am low on money and morals right now
Do you think I could put your penis on reserve for tonight or tomorrow night?
The things happening in my intestines right now should only ever happen at truck stops and frat houses.
I threw up for like 20 hours. Im gonna be the DD for the next 5 years.
Chose not to courtesy flush and the CEO huffed the result. I feel powerful.
I'm not sure what exactly you were planning, but you kept yelling that we were going to need a lot of midgets and a lawyer.
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
Alex I've come up with a new medical condition. dick depression. it's a real thing and I have it
I think he has some internal "man stuff" that keeps getting in the way.
Like alcoholism and general douchbagary.
He found out about your side hoe and still helped you try to find a lizard that got in the house
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
I woke up on a park bench with a nice homeless guy waking me up. I bought us Carl's Jr. Best birthday ever!
Randomize
