pretty sure mid blowjob I told him I needed to call you and ask you if this was whore-ish. He hid my phone from me.
Ever got a vibrator stuck in ur hair? Is worse that getting ur hairbrush stuck.
...well that sucks.
just found a sign outside my brothers door "not going to church, don't even try" and he is covered is vomit in his bed.
You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
ironically, his detergent was also "small and mighty"
I don't even know. I woke up in the bathtub with no shirt, covered in towels holding what appeared to be vanillia pudding mixed with captain morgan.
there is no amount of schooling that prepares you for when your morbidly obese 45 year old patient tells you she has her clit pierced.
You did a line of free coke with an obese Slovenian unlicensed cab driver in the toilets of the most questionable strip club in the country. New low man.
When you put it like that, I'm inclined to agree.
I keep getting the feeling him and his friends are hilarious and we should drink whiskey together forever
Nothing says "Hello, Adulthood!" quite like receiving a dick photo at 11AM from a guy you haven't heard from since fifth grade.
when a dude sends me an unwanted dick pic I just send him a picture of a nicer one. A more photogenic one. A dick with a future.
Ice cream and condoms, solid grocery store trip
theres a canoe in our lawn. we dont own a canoe.
it was the only safe place
I think I'm emotionally ready to start being a slut again. I'm excited.
I'm eating Arby's in the bathtub because I'm an adult and I do what I want
Randomize
