i was unaware that anal sex sometimes ends with shit on the bed.
we made margaritas with slurpies from 7-11 and beer.
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
i forgot beer had calories. that would explain alot.
He just went up to bed, still drunk from last night, carrying a pear, a pipe, and an unopened bottle of wine. I think he'll be fine.
She showed up to the party with a live octopus and a 30 pack that was already half gone
I was trying to sing daddy wasnt there from austin powers but apparently I was crying and and yelling jibberish...I get to into this shit
All i know is we had 4 people on a tandum bike, and told the cops we couldnt stop because our momentum was so good.
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
Um, you were throwing up the shocker symbol in front of all of the wedding guests during the best man's speech. No wonder the groom thinks we're bad
I tore the muscle in my left calf at the gym and still spent all evening in heels. UNSTOPPABLE!
Btw had an awesome time last night. Found some blood on my shirt and ear but I'll chalk it up to the tequila shots.
premonition: im going to wake up covered in mashed potatoes
But really, someone with a penis give me attention before I start posting nudes on Instagram.
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
Randomize
