hey its robert, we just made out in the backyeard. i'm inside now and you should come to the bathroom and meet me.
I never thought that I'd ever use the phrase "and the resulting ice cream explosion" seriously at work...
I shaved my legs finally. I am starting to remember what my skin feels like.
Woke up this morning with a junior police officer sticker over my nipple this morning.
Just threw up in the waiting room. I can't believe I have to switch dermatologists again.
This is amazing. I can pinpoint the window in time that you lost all sanity.
I believe nudity is frowned upon at that establishment
Someone just bought me a one liter long island and call me maybe is on. I'm going to die
Wow. I feel like a bad friend. My fuckbuddy wished you a happy birthday before I did. The reality of that just hit me.
Notice how both of our plans for hooking up with these guys involve getting them drunk?
Oh my God, we're like men but with great boobs.
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
Tempting guys with beer and cheese. How Midwestern are we?
I can't remember the last time I saw a penis in person that I didn't see a million times on text first
So he has moved up to a stage 5 clinger...Surprised he didn't try to lure you into bed with tacos, like he did last time
Yeah... akward. I don't want a round 2
Tbh I’m not a vibrator enthusiast
But I am godly
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