I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
Do you know a sam ****, im at the bar right now and lookin for some dirt on her to guilt trip her in to sex
I just went to a chocolate syrup wrestling party I think you need to get on my level
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
You'd be surprised at how many crooked penises are out there
I could get a dump truck for 1000. Think of the possibilities.
I was thinking that, but I'm not sure the proper etiquette on asking about someone's nipple rings. Even if you did see them and compliment them once.
Whenever I'm not in the mood and don't want to go to bed swampy, I just strategically suck him off during the second period intermission of the Cup playoffs and he leaves me alone and does the dishes. It's a win-win.
I think Jabba the Hut is dying in the stall next to me.
He said it wasn't ladylike of me to drink more whiskey than him. I told him to stop being a little bitch.
He's far too busy staring into my soul to touch my tits.
Thanks to you I just drunkenly spot washed a Star Wars hoodie, at midnight on a Friday. If there is a greater level of nerdiness I do not know of its existence
You were having sex very loudly, so I felt it necessary to blast the Thong Song, bust out the trusty old airhorn and walk in on you. MY BAD.
Randomize
