it's like everything I expected to see tonight all put together in one at once
that is the greatest description ever
At the hair cuttery. A father here with his daughter just answered his phone "ken's whorehouse"...Now I remember why I used to pay more for haircuts.
Ben's a prick.
What Ben are you talking about?
All the bens across all the lands
They threw a beer at you on stage and then you stopped the karaoke and cussed everyone in the bar out for 2 minutes
his fiance had made him a calendar of pictures of her. he asked if he should take it down and i said no. i wanted her to watch.
I said i love rain, just to change the subject, and he said 'id like to do it in the rain'. Dear lord. He doesnt stop
Thank GOD those kids were having a lemonade stand, I didn't have anything to wash down my plan b with.
Nothing like a 3am firealarm to kick a booty call out...
My dad got me a charm braclet....his way of trying to support my gayness....
Thoughts of banging the girl who just opened my beer with her teeth?
Every girl my sister has brought home from college I've had sex with, check and mate motherfucker
I think i'm going to homewreck at this Disney on Ice show.
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
If I stopped drinking I'd have to take up murdering.
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
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