if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
Woke up and went out for a cigarette and it was dead quiet. It was like the world just knew how many mistakes were made last night.
It took him longer to remove his skinny jeans than it did for him to finish. I didn't even have time to realize it sucked until it was already over.
She thought someone was breaking in but when I said it was me she got even angrier and threw a coffee mug at my head.
We are casual work acquaintances that occasionally fuck when the urge strikes. CWATOFWTUS. I know FWB rolls off the tongue better but it is what it is.
Im covered in vodka and melted gummys. Fuck summer.
Well pretty sure I lost 3 of my best friends in one week. Remember when I said I wasn't sure if I was gonna be a better person or a more despicable one in 2012. Despicable wins.
I got pulled into the conversation by "she sleeps with everybody" then "she" involved sleeping with "cocks the size of a viva burrito"
I went limp when I heard her mom fart from her parents bedroom. It lasted longer than my hard on.
THEY SELL PREFROZEN MARGARITAS AND THEY COME WTH A STRAW. MY PRIORITIES ARE IN ORDER
I need to stop getting high and watching documentaries. Wanna go to Japan with me and protest the mass genocide of dolphins?
They made up a new version of "Smash or Pass" called "I would(n't) let you sit on my face" to yell at the freshman
Thank you for stroking my rage monster tonight.
My dad called me in the middle of the night, drunk on vodka, asking for references on the Irish alphabet.
No bra. No panties. Makeup from last night. At work right now. I am trash.
Randomize
