god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
We walked in and the first thing we heard was, "OH SHIT! White chicks!" Naturally, I made some new male friends.
Also, just saw a kid in a gorilla costume being questioned by a boardwalk cop. I love ocean city.
He's really hot. I think he's gonna be my reason to shave this winter.
the boys lacrosse roster just went up... now we can see who we had sex with
She just opened a six pack of corona with her car door ... I had no idea she was such a skilled drunk
I wasn't sure how he was going to followup "so,i shot myself.." i guess "w a nail gun" is the best choice out of what I expected
I promise not to drug you or anything. Please come to my birthday party.
Mike is so stoned. I just heard him quietly mutter to himself "rock a piss" as he walked down the hall to the bathroom
He told me he wanted to sleep but I touched his penis and listened to his heart beat start racing. I knew sleeping was bullshit.
Use your nursing skills for good, not evil.
I think it would be reallllly cool if you took your best friend to work so she doesnt have to have an awkward cab ride with the driver she drunkenly made out with last night ...
I think I'm still high. And I definitely still smell like lobster, so there's that
One day, I might be old and married wishing I could bang everyone... and that'll be a problem. So I feel in my heart it's something I need to do.
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
Randomize
