I may or may not have started my period at the bar. Good thing I have dark jeans on.
We had sex on the first date...do you think he thinks I'm a whore?
Yes and so do I
WHY DOES GOD HATE MY DICK
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
It's not a good night until someone eats a bagel covered in face mask thinking it's cream cheese
I want him to rummage through my vagina. with unwashed hands.
dude throwing a golf cart off a pier is harder than it seems!
Amnesty Wednesday? I'm free to do dirty things to you and you can't laugh or judge?
I don't think "growing medical marijuana" is Quite what my Grandfather had in mind when he thought me about gardening as a child
And remember people can't hear you kick ass in space
IT'S FUCKING BABY SEASON ON FACEBOOK. MY VAGINA WANTS TO THROW UP
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
low point of the night : a cop just busted out laughing at me.
Randomize
