I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
Just passed a sign for an "adult food and fuel superstore". Wtf does that even mean?
im not sure but a few things come to mind which just makes me giggle
Guys should not giggle. Ever.
Just got my period. I'm not pregnant with Scott's child and I won't be having any sex tonight. This must be what they mean by bittersweet.
you were licking his little sister's watercolors and trying to paint with your tongue.
The walk of shame has never felt more glorious... I think it's the somberero
It was annoying to wait 4 hour for him to be inside for 5 seconds.
Screw this I'm going to go talk to her. If you hear sirens they're for me.
I feel like everyone would be happy with that as a present too. "Oh you got me pussy for Christmas?! How'd you know?!"
My boyfriend correctly calculated the time I would be out of alcohol and showed up about four minutes after I'd run out with two bottles of wine. I think this is love.
What is your life?
A tangled mess of finals and bad decisions.
wanna come over? I have movies.
sure, what movies
porn or disney, your choice
I just had a sexting conversation using medieval jargon. I think he is a fine suitor.
The notary thing was a good idea. I can charge $2 per signature. I'm currently being paid in beer.
Just to clarify, i'm coming over for tacos not a threesome
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
Randomize
