The dr is doing well, he randomly asked if I was bi
Hopefully the semester will be over before she has a breakout. Then I can just avoid the situation entirely
We stole your phone last night, texted your brother and told him you wanted it up the ass by him. All he said was "I want ur money."
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
So I just bought underwear that says "I'm taken." Just know that when I cheat on my bf with you, that's what I'm wearing
Sometimes I love sober logical me. She makes rare appearances but when she does she shines.
He asked me what I wanted the cake to say and I then asked him if "I'm sorry for throwing up in your bed last night" was too long. He said it was...
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
he puked all over my guest bed and the said he felt good enough to clean it up. he poured bleach all over the bed and passed out in it. he had the chemiacal burn for a month...
But wait then while giving his drive thru order he goes in mid sentence, "Hey baby it's Travis remember me?"
Idk woke up on the suite in someone else's clothing and actually broke my ankle
Just used the word fistfucking in a serious conversation with my professor in front of the class, while making an appropriate and valid point. Win.
I'm classy like audry Hepburn. Chugging wine out of the bottle on the way to the club. Shed do that. I know she would.
i think i left you like a 5 minute message about the mcchicken burger i was eating. I think I called wanting sex but the mcchicken burger was a lot more seducing.
There are only a few things more freaky than wandering around a zoo drunk.
Randomize
