A hot woman with candy. This is what heaven is filled with
oddly enough my penis is pretty tan. the part of my body that gets the least amount of sunlight is tanner than most of the rest of my body.
I think its part of male evolution. Pretty soon they'll have diamonds on them and taste like chocolate.
you were standing in two feet of water, screaming at people walking by to "call river rescue".
I think this girl gave me a handjob thinking that I would help her with her cell phone bill
omg. that's awesome
woke up holding a soft boiled egg cup and empty bottle of rum. apparently i couldn't find a shot glass
Also, if someone could cut me off before im rolling around the yard pantsless with a 40 year old lesbian that would be awesome.
thank you for being a reason not to completely check out of my life and start sleeping all day, crying all night, and living off vodka acquired through credit card debt
My dream date: Hotdogs/nachos from the bar & tequila. Is that too much to ask?
AND I HAVE A NICE COCK! A STRIPPER TOLD ME SO IT MUST BE TRUE!
He compared my ass to "a 13 year old track star's ass." Umm WTF? Is that supposed to be a compliment? And when I questioned boy or girl he said "either."
This is seriously fucking awkward. My favorite sex scene just started and my dad's still here. He offered me Cheetos.
The smoothie place is closed, but the liquor store is open and wine is kinda like a smoothie.
Also I found $40 in the women's bathroom at ihop. Karma is finally kicking in!
I'm the only person I know that carries solo cups, shot glasses, ping pong balls, two decks of cards, and a lawn chair in his trunk. I'm ready to turn anything, anywhere into a party.
It'd be good to change things up a bit, right now the only public service I'm doing from my apt is hanging out in my underwear with the lights on.
Randomize