great time with ya sorry i wasn't one of the three guys you wanted to stay with
Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
I really think my ability to vom without making noise mmight be my most useful talent
just took a pee in my own yard...decided i had to poo..only got a dingle berry....wiped it away with my finger..help me...my mom AND dad are home.
I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
This hotel is not contributing to my sobriety, they have 4 kinds of free wine and beer.
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
i watched you ride a mechanical penis. nothing is awkward between us anymore.
I think that last shot was nyquil. Please come gte me. WINGS.
It's been a long time since I got "Talk about Glen's enormous penis" drunk
I just watched this dude try to convince this girl to go home with him. She was like, That's cute, you're cute.and she just walked away. Man I'm so not drunk enough to be around this level of sad.
It was a blind-side dick pic.
Just please don't close your legs while I'm down there again. I don't want my death to be labeled as "Head crushed while giving an individual cunnilingus".
he's annoying when i'm sober but vaguely hot when i'm drunk so yes i do have a preference and it goes by the name of vodka
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
Randomize
