i just saw a midget buying condoms and graham crackers. i wonder which was the impluse buy.
I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
Remember when I use to call my dick 'the pendulum'
wtf?
It is now the artist formerly known as 'insideyourgirlfriend'
You were so drunk you tried to sell your salsa to everyone on the restaurant.
i told him i was sober and he walked away immediately.
She said you were bangin on the counters of McDonalds singing "These Eyes" at 4am
You should come over. I am making a celebratory I got laid by a huge penis cake.
He moved away. I mourned his dick all of Sunday. I feel a little better now.
I'm going to tattoo a maze on my back for the next fucker that tries to blow early ....
I don't think the TSA would be too happy. Who knows if three ounces of lube will be enough for us?
If my mom's not going to offer me drugs then it's really pointless for me to be here.
I just can't have sex in the car again. it's just too much
After you smoke one night. Just whisper in a barely audible voice, "Grey Poupon"
Fyi - we're going to be eating those sandwiches in bed when you get home.
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
Randomize
