pissed the bed twice, first one side then rolled over , other side. boom.
forecast for tonight is alcohol, low standards and poor decisions.
Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
My dad just knocked on my door and told me that my vibrator was too loud
What are you talking about?! I shot gunned a monster while simaltaneously blowing gym boy Todd. If I'm not the poster child for being well rounded and versatile I have no idea what NYU is looking for
I found him down the block clinging to a light post laughing and crying because a house "looked like it had buck teeth"
We're so stoned that were both cuddling on the couch and crying over Forest Gump while eating popcorn. She asked me if I'd fuck away the sadness. I think she's serious.
I still can't get over the fact that he thinks I have my life together... That has to be one of the nicest yet most sadly misled things anyone has ever said about me
Does Jesus have blonde highlights? Pretty sure I saw him in a lavender shirt and Sperry's.
You literally chaperoned my booty call.
Excuse me while I gouge out my eyes.
In which case my work here is done.
One day I'll learn not to get drunk on a plane. Today is not that day.
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
It's been so long since I had sex I might propose to the next girl who will sleep with me.
Randomize
