And then I watched some old guy get arrested for meeting some other old guy for a blow job. It was epic.
I had to throw up. it was the only way to avoid kissing her after she swallowed..
we're almost there. Shes pounding on the car window telling the nurse whos on a smoke break to fuck off.
You called in. Quitter. You stayed at home naked drinking again didnt you.
So his mom walked in the kitchen while I was sucking him off and just casually suggested that "I'd need a glass of water after that"
She asked if I wanted to "Mormon Motorboat" her, which I guess is just motor-boating her through her cloths. Turns out I did.
Jake and I will do a protection ritual for ur dick I don't know where she has been
How do I ask where the Jello shot cups are at Walmart without sounding like white trash?
In local news "Man Stabbed With Golf Club" next person who tells me this is a safe place to live gets punched...
This German chick looked me up and down for a while. Then she grabbed my crotch, let go after a few seconds, and said "you vill do". I think I'm gonna like tonight.
So... How much of our rent is drug money?
No way in hell. Unless I was drunk Tindering again....my swiping finger gets drunk too I guess
I gave my girlfriend a ring to celebrate our anniversary, she thought It was an engagement ring. Now im getting married and I don't know what to do.
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
We met behind our asshole boss's back with the intent to oust him from the company. If this revolution is a success, bring nachoes.
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