she doesn't hate you. She just thinks you need a personality adjustment, speech therapy and weight watchers.
I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
I KNOW. I'm like, ew who are these ppl. And then I remember I'm traveling to New York to accidentally hook it with two different dudes in one weekend.
Come over and play the Jeter 3000 drinking game. You drink if the commentators say "captain" or "3000". I'll drink if they say "overrated" or "past his prime".
Why does She think it's her duty to welcome in freshman through the welcome mat that is her vagina
So my bf wanted to cum on my face and I let him. Afterwards I wiped some off, wiped it across his forehead and said, "The king has returned".
there is a dorito bag in my car full of my mouth blood
I take your giggles as a yes to operation McLaxitives?
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
I asked what you thought of her and you replied not the biggest I have had
Whatever. That's why I am to be babied like a calf. I regret nothing.
There are no female cereal mascots. I just realized that in my drunken state... So sexist...
My Midnight Kiss was a Big Mac.. Happy New Year
You know your night is done when the police confiscate your bra at high school basketball game
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
Randomize
