help me. he won't leave me alone. he just licked my ear and he's so drunk. get him off me. we're in the closet. help.
I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
I was just texting to see if your vagina was working yet.
Just an FYI: The offer for you to come snow blow my driveway in return for sexual favors is still on the table
btw im making up a story about these stitches..... i think a hockey stick to the face sounds better then i fell up the stairs
I think for all the guys in my phone, I'm going to change their pictures to pics of their dicks. It's easier to identify them that way.
the doctor said its the kinda of pregnant you dont recover from
No it's okay, we're just driving to random places with the portable stripper pole and causing a ruckus.
Oh that's normal
Picking up hoes with my dad is going to make it a little harder, but ay, if thats how he wants to bond after 23 years, Ill give it a shot
You have not lived until you have drunkenly grinded on your mother. Daughter of the year right here.
Just watched a girl fall down the stair and be to drunk to get up. The only stair in the bar. It's like watching a turtle on it's back.
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
It was somewhere in between an airport security patdown and a medical examination. No groping or squeezing, just brief pokes and pats.
I was just in the bathroom and some guy yelled all hail the king... i cant go anywhere without getting recognized anymore.
He flipped a shopping cart in the back room and had to leave to make a jazz playlist. If we aren't in love then i don't know what love is.
Randomize
