um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
I've banged too many servicemen's wives to still be considered an American.
That sucks. I just talked to a telemarketer for 15 minutes about CSI: Miami and weed.
It's the eternal vodka... it never seems to go away
He had to stop fucking her halfway through to do a shit. When he returned she was still waiting for him. The joys of MDMA
booty call birthday vouchers, best idea ever. it's like giving a present to myself for someone else's birthday.
found out that hot proper business chick in my class A) did a bar crawl last 2 night and still showed up to class and B) is 19 and C) so not as proper as I thought D) is single. How the fuck does that work? Freaking superwoman.
How many trips to the liquor store in a week constitutes alcoholism?
If you could watch a water balloon run... That's what it's like watching her run.
So dude comes out in a full body leotard and a wand and announced he's king of the gays. Chicago is a weird but fun place
i fell into a bathtub last night and broke the fall with my forehead. my forehead is bruised
Idk I wanna make it till midnight but I also want tequila
You sent me a naked picture of you as a child? How is that normal
Woke up went to work ate beef after three year hiatus shat my pants went to bed
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