You Definitely drank the goldfish bowl like it was a giant margarita
i think the fact that he graduated high school the year i graduated elementary school is sexy.
Im sick of reading dumb tattoos while having sex
I'm eating cereal out of the pocket of my flannel right now
Dont be alarmed when you find the maintenance guy passed out on your couch. I didn't to explain why I was there so I offered him a drink, I dont know what happened after that.....
Made a holiday JibJab of all my fucks. How's your night?
The inside of my nose has felt like the guy's face falling off from raiders of the lost ark all week
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
Driving home this morning in my minion costume makes me rethink the 0 tint on my windows.
I was looking at the storm clouds during my run and one oddly resembled ur penis
You grabbed your house keys, threw them at the door and asked, "did it open?"
I never said it was inaccurate, I said I hate you.
I'M IN A SPINNING VORTEX OF SELF-HATRED AND HORNINESS
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
tell him if he brings over dinner you might let him see your left boob...or right, whichever you prefer. But under no circumstances do you let him see both...unless he brings a good desert...like coffee ice cream or something
Randomize
