you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
This is one of the fundamental differences between you and I. If I found meat in a plastic bag, I wouldn't put it in my mouth.
He's 11. You dont draw dicks on 11 year olds, i dont care if he ate your lasagna
He threw up. He never throws up. It was like finding out superman cant fly anymore. I was so sad for him.
Trying to figure out when's a good time to take acid and not tell anyone and see how long it takes people to notice
I can only get completely wasted and hungry two more times and then we're out of fritos.
I go to a class slightly intoxicated and they bring in a baby. What a life.
Even though he had a fractured vertebrae, the sex was still phenomenal. Better than normal actually. I hope the vertabrae never heals.
He stumbled into my room, flopped on my bed, shoes on my pillow and asked me for a juice box. Then fell asleep with the juice box on his forehead.
You have no idea how pumped I am. I literally plan on dying. You're in my will
she walked in on me throwing up in the sink with my pants around my ankles and I said "i'll be with you in a sec"
You can wear anything you want
So... Naked it is then
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
Well I finally got to say all the things I wanted to say. Including telling him he looks like a naked mole rat
I just puked on the sidewalk. At 11am. Thought you'd like to know.
Just found out I lit my hair on fire last night.
Randomize
