When he came he sounded like a flock of birds hitting puberty
The problem with having your drunkeness documented at a wedding is not only does it show up all over facebook, but all over professional photography websites.
Don't judge me. If you're going to fall off a bed you might as well do it gracefully into a bag full of beer.
You're going to have to buy me a lot of drinks before the bee suit goes on...
I know your texting costs money, but I'll pay for it if you consider this. Oversized frozen jello shots. I'll buy everything needed if you approve. Let me know
You found me in the back room alone eating someone else's whole birthday cake with my hands then asked me if you could join.
Hahahahaha. That's what your stoned ass gets for eating half a bag of processed cheese at 2am.
Ordained minister or not I hereby renounce all moral responsibility for any and all related occurrences
I've just never heard the term serendipitous used to describe having one's asshole licked.
Xanax and cookies, it's good to be home
She's really sweet and cute, but when she drinks, she becomes way too proud of her bush.
She doesn't believe I only want to use you for sex. She has a much higher opinion of me than either of us do.
I am so not sober enough to have a 5 minute conversation in Spanish
Oh and he asked if I would occasionally still blow him if we had children. It was so romantic.
He goes "what would you say if I told you I like to get it in?" def a potential soulmate right there.
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