Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
As a pleasant surprise..I woke to find a Burrito and Bottle of Gatorade .....Merry XMAS to ME
He soundtracked our prebreakup sex, our breakup, and out postbreakup sex. At least he's dedicated.
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
Apparently we were arguing for captain seats so I shouted "who has your virginity." I got the seat.
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
Random memory from the wedding, the bartender showed us how to open the windows and piss out of them.
I just wish I had a snapshot of his attempted front flip off the bar. There are some things that are worth getting a life ban for, and the moment of impact with his foot and that lady's face was one of those things.
I just got my evaluation. My manager told me he hated my guts and pretty much wanted to stab me in the face. Then he gave me an "exceeds expectations" on pretty much everything and a raise.
So basically I really like drugs AND banging cops and it's starting to get complicated
When the state fair security guard came to yell at her for having outside food and drink she threatened to kick him if he tried to stop her and then she proceeded to chug the whole bottle.
classic
So now your dad has seen my tits. You could have told me he was coming by to help paint.
I didn't think you'd be painting the kitchen topless.
I couldn't find a shirt I was willing to ruin.
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
Longest 30 seconds of my life
10/10 so not recommended
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