Enough with studying for finals. Time to put that my little pony coloring book to use.
don't worry. When rigor sets in, we'll make sure to get you laid one last time.
Please don't call me names while I'm carrying your child.
you laugh because clearly you have never had to clean poop out of a tub
we got our roommate high for the first time. He went into his room alone and watched Malcolm in the middle for three hours
wait a second... your telling me you want me to take you to the bank at 10 on a tuesday so you can buy a blow up pool and fill it with beer?
yes... and buy you lunch
She tried to wake me up by touching my dick. I kept pretending to be asleep.
i'm glad we've gotten to the point in our relationship where I can eat peach rings off your penis.
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
We have an unspoken agreement. He helps me move and I give him a blow job. It's really unfair to him considering he doesn't know how much shit I have.
Interesting occurrence: the application I use to keep track of my periods and sexual encounters just notified me it had been over 4 months since you were logged as an active partner and ask if I'd like to remove you from my options. Wow, kmsl.
I told my manager I was trying to conserve my energy for date night/Sexual Olympics later. That's legit for another break, right?
these past three weeks have been a real "fuck you" to my liver
I woke up this morning and my house is covered in shredded cheese with my laptop open and a google image search for "awesome shit".
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
Randomize
