he spit gasoline on a tiki torch to impress a girl. he caught on fire but did get laid. success.
i've never been more proud of someone than i was when he told me he got his first blowjob at age 13...from two chicks
Dude, you posted a cap of a porn to survey if it looked like me. That's pretty certifiably creepy.
I love drunk self when he leaves a prepacked bong for the morning... in the bathroom.
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
at what point last night did we decide it was okay to let me hitch hike to another bar?
I'm pretty sure that if I didn't have a gerbil with a shotgun in my uterus I would think i was knocked up cuz all I want is hot sauce
Find me a date. With a beard. I want him to rub his beard on my tits. I'm not even into that stuff but I think it'd be so warm.
She said she'd heard about my nickname in high school. Apparently sledgehammer isn't as popular as you'd believe...
If my penis could make facial expressions, it would constantly have a smile on.
Well yes he stayed. He brought Guiness, them he shaved me. It's a long, but beautiful story.
I don't think it's food poisoning, I think it's cause you cooked it over burning styrofoam
Seriously??? You send me boob shots with your husband and kids in them???
After you puked in the bathtub you claimed you were never eating quesadillas again and you never even ate a quesadilla
I was on the verge of being completely over him and then he went and made his Instagram not private... ITS LIKE HE KNEW
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