he has a girlfriend so we used my stuffed animals to pretend to have sex
i have this theory that all the people in the world who dont like mayonnaise had very bad encounter with jizz once
you know that annoying kid in my psych class? accidentally hit him in the face with a door today. perfect end to the semester.
Yes, do intervene. Unless it involves cowboys with loud trucks and hard 9 inch dicks. Then just come back for me in the morning.
That chick needs a catscan. And fuck it, we're still ordering in a stripper
She was telling me which girls she thought I should fuck or not at the bar. Why can't all one night stands be that cool after?
You installed a beer holder in the shower?! You're the best roommate ever!
... That's a shower caddy.
I believe this is a toe-mate-toe vs. toe-maut-toe situation.
I feel like drug tests are a little less "random" when you are employed by your father.
Needless to say, I woke up on the bathroom floor wearing the dress that my mom wore to the wedding. That open bar stole my soul.
Just laying in bed with my vibrator eating cold tortillas and listening to Savage Garden.
My dog misses eating marshmallows out of your butt when you're passed out. That bordered on sex abuse, now that I think about it. My bad.
SOME DUDE PUT OUT FOR A MCCHICKEN AND YET YOU STILL WON'T FUCK ME
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.
Tequila should only be paired with the finest of dick
Randomize
