i really wanted you to get laid last night and i didnt think you were going to. so i posted porn on your facebook.it made sense at 3am
This is my last and worst hangover of the decade...I almost cherrish it
He just slept in my bed for a couple hours and asked lots of questions about gay sex. No, I do not have his number.
I passed out leaning next to a light pole. When the cop woke me up at 4 AM, I told him I was a block away from the apt, just had to stop to make a puke pit stop.
I just imagined your drunkass eating Taco Bell in my living room. This is the Godmother of my potential child.
Kayla got stiches in her face. Rode in an ambulance shotgun. Tried to steal a baby, thought it was mine
Apparently it's ok to apply for building permits drunk. I feel like there definitely is a law preventing that.
i look like a southern belle. however, i am around a million kegs. so i will be a southern shitshow.
We need more drag queens in our life I've decided
I will blow you tomorrow if you bring me food tonight. Like a payment plan
Saying someone's good at giving head is like saying someone is good at pouring juice like there is that one girl who will spill it everywhere but for the most part it's not that hard to be good at
Apparently we stole a dog last night. I woke up and it was just staring at me. But we fed it left over KFC for breakfast so it's cool.
Closed my eyes in the shower and got really dizzy. Not sure if neurological or result of 4 day vodka binge. Send help.
Is it sad to eat a candy bra by yourself?
Wow. I want to climb Santa. You've made my mind go places I wasn't prepared to explore.
Randomize
