Most awkward thing ever just happened. I was reaching in my purse to get something and a condom fell out into the woman's lap next to me. At least she knows I'm safe.
I love how all the girls on the plan b commercial wake up alone.. Like me
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
Just spent the last of my lifesavings on (what i hope is enough of) alcohol. Hello summer.
my goal is to masturbate without thinking about my exbf.
Btw after this weekend the chipndales costume has a 125% success rate.
Someone just bought me a one liter long island and call me maybe is on. I'm going to die
Had mirculous sex while watching miracle. Until she got mad that I kept quoting the movie. Not my fault I'm a good multi-tasker
Do you believe in miracles?
Was I at least a good cuddler? Like at least honorable mention?
Sunday mornings are confusing. Like. I can't decide if I want to go for a run or start drinking
How many more of your relationships do I have to destroy before you realize sleeping with me isn't a good idea?
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
I'm still drunk, my mom is throwing up, and there is a random Irish guy out getting our house breakfast right now. Wednesday's are my bitch.
Maybe life is about finding the person you DO want to cuddle with after they rail you like a porn star
welp, we watched the human centipede high last night and my mind literally shut down, when i came to all i could hear was mel saying EAT EAT HIS SHIT
Randomize
