I just Googled "how to lose weight but still be an alcoholic."
I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
thanks 4 putting "im not your boyfriend baby" on my sex playlist. she just got pissed and left.
im not an educated person. i just do things. and it works out in my favor
Ive been using palmolive to shower with for he last week, dont tell me about not having money. Im heading to the bar r u going.
i mean i should have known that when i started taking shots with my zumba instructor i was in for a rough night...
You flooded my bathroom while trying to construct a hot tub. All three of you were completely naked.
I feel like I just tasted lung cancer.
Yeah yeah, I don't care. I bought a super soaker, so lets please go attracting attention by spraying each other while wearing white tank tops?
Last night turned out to be an expensive trip to your house between the ticket and the plan b. (Well I haven't gotten that yet)
Finals week game: One shot for every psychological trauma I've been through that I have to explain in detail. Man I hate my major sometimes.
Woke up with two different pairs of pants in the pockets of a jacket.None of the above are mine.
The last thing I remember is talking to the firefighter next to me and he was giving me fruit.
My son's girlfriend just thanked me for having good penis genes.
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
Randomize
