why is it that everyone in pennsylvannia gets fucking prego??
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
No, i know about the eggs and penis, the oh wow was for the fire
I tried calming him down but his eyes are rolling to the back of his head and he's yelling "COMA WEED!"
my stepmom is let-the-dog-eat-out-of-her-mouth drunk. oh my god.
You owe me new eyes. The ones I have are burned with your balls into the back of my eyes. And every time I close them, your balls are right there...
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
where are you?
talk to ya later, gotta sled down these stairs real quick
I AM NOT THE MAN IN THIS RELATIONSHIP.
It's shit like this that makes people think we're gay.
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
Dude. I'm no longer allowed to use my sword when drinking. I just spent 20 min cleaning up popcorn. I stabbed Moe in the leg and chopped his door knob off
I can't get the smell of burned penis out of the house
Black magic does not go near my vagina, it's a rule
You thought the flashing lights were strobe lights when they were loading you into the ambulance. You asked the EMT if he had any X.
ATTENTION: just found out of have strep. if we have had sex in the past week, might wanna go to the doctor. if you plan to have sex with me in the next 20 days go buy some condoms. stupid antibiotics.
Randomize
