the only reason I knew his name is because half way through I looked up and it was tatooed on his chest.
I told him next time he kisses her to remember where that mouth has been...
How'd that go?
Hes on his way with a baseball bat...
your cum blends into my yellow sheets :/
Next time i try to unbutton my R.A's shirt with my teeth, please stop me
No promises.
i just saw some one pass a baby through the drive-thru window at dairy queen.
It was ths the worst 15 minutes of my life. . . It was like fucking a warm stick of butter.
I seriously just drove by a man walking down the street wearing hospital scrubs, an 80s track jacket, gold necklace and carrying a flute.
I just sent a bad sext to my sister. There's not even a way to damage control this, is there?
this is the first time in over a year I had a pregnancy scare and actually would have known who the father was. I guess this is what adulthood feels like.
I'm going to sleep with this bank teller and I'm going to enjoy it, just try and stop me
I think it's safe to assume that dad heard you lose your lesbian virginity last night
They asked me my level of pain at the hospital and I told them I called my ex 6 times
I made out with the uber driver for free weed, I thought he deserved it
You were out of control then you fell asleep on his lap for 30 min and woke up civil. Way to powernap to sobriety!
Okay, but that still doesn't explain all the glitter in my puke.
Randomize
