I wanna eat
then frost
then eat your cupcake
What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
please come get me his dick is out. i'm sitting on his couch and his dick is out. come now
I just bought 1/2 a fifth of vodka out of an old school baby carriage from a homeless man. Gotta love this city.
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
Ok so I could say "im sorry"...but instead ill just say "unsupervised...jager...military guys...green school bus called the juice box...and HUGE dick"
Also while I am being the bigger person I plan on bringing over something strong smelling and/or alcoholic to torture the poor hungover bastard
Sorry my hands just texted you
i'm face down in a ditch right now please help this is not a metaphor for my life this is real.
Walk of shaming into my apartment. No one to clap me in. Come home!
You used your chihuahua as a pillow screaming "HE'S A PILLOW AND A PET" and proceeded to puke in the dog bed
Is it a bad sign starting the new year off naked, wet, and alone?
Asking for a friend of course
Do you remember coming over and asking for toast and then singing that yeah toast song very loudly while you were dropping my bread all over my kitchen?
Wait, I'm confused. I EMPTIED the bottle? as in consumed it? I'm impressed with myself.
Randomize
