If we keep treating our bodies like amusement parks we have another 10 years left at best.
god is playing jersey shore on new years on purpose. he wants me to play drinking games and die. i wish he knew how serious this is.
i'm pretty sure i just ruined some dude's romantic riverside sunset proposal by running outside and puking in a bush.
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
Is it mean that I just sent him a pic of my tits with the header, "say bye bye?"
He woke up in the ambulance thinking he was still in the club.
She just threw the soap bottle at me from the ladie's room and keeps asking me when we left the bar and got on the boat.
WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WE'RE WATCHING BIRTHING VIDEOS!!!!
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
you're the one asking for my vibrator at 4 in the morning so reconsider your life
I think I may have accidentally stepped in fire
TOUCH YOURSELF. DO IT.
I don't think that's how you're supposed to sext
Bro, you're like, my right testicle. Can't go anywhere without you.
I probably should have eaten more before I started shotgunning beers at 9am, but it was so much damn fun.
The cops came, and I made friends with him. He wants me to babysit his kids.
Randomize
