Pre-pickelized cucumber-hand invasion!! RUN!!!!!!!!!!
Her sister's ass was worth my getting thrown out of the house.
You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
Well we're gonna drink when we get home and I just invited the cab driver to play beer pong
He just told me that he goes squirrel hunting. NO LONGER BANGABLE.
Our foot and a bit height difference is kinda fun, except she's so tiny that after we ate burritos it looked like she was pregnant. I had a confusing bonner.
TIL a potato cannon can be loaded with dildos as ammunition. Boy, do our neighbours love us!
He sent a video of him jacking off....class will be awkward tomorrow
Also topless tea is a thing that happens in our apartment. Ready yourself.
They wouldn't let me on the bull because I couldn't even sign my own name... She let me try 3 times...
Just because your gf gives mediocre bjs doesn't mean I can fill that void
I smoked all his weed and he hasn't noticed yet. But I might need a place to crash when he does
Would it be weird if i sent him a "happy fuckiversary" text?
GIIIIRL I AM STONED AF AND I HAVE A HOMEMADE POT PIE IN THE OVEN THIS PARTY IS LIT.
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