i'm not a human right now. not even a dancer.
I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
What about the words "You're my personal dildo" made him say "I love you"?
you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
No, I'm not keeping her! I can't become an adulterer and a dog stealer in the same 24 hours...
Last night he tried to put me in their garbage can and then sprayed me with a fire extinguisher in their kitchen...that house is always interesting
I admit it's going to be hard to top a limo orgy and Mcnuggets....but I have faith in you
Then she yelled something like "YOU HAVE SO MANY FORKS!" before collapsing on the floor
She's an ex-convict. She actually got stabbed in the face with a pen while in prison. No big deal.
Did someone do a keg stand in my bathtub?
when you wake up try not to move. we are betting to see if more sprinkles stuck to you or the pong table.
I can't even type what I drank. I'll throw up
I need a nap, Harry Potter movies, and dick in this exact order after work.
He puked in the middle of it and I still wasn't disappointed.
He was standing in the living room wearing a Donald Trump wig and looking very disappointed
Randomize
