this dieting is killing me...just started drooling watching a dog food commercial
I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
Just turned my microbiology homework into a drinking game. The words are getting blurry but I think we're really bonding.
Hey man your outta milk
How the hell do you keep getting in my apartment?!
i just remembered last night waiting for you to pick me up wearing my bra on my head to protect me from the rain
We've been here for ten minutes. She told me I wasn't "Irish enough", licked my tits, and then sprinkled green glitter on them.
He said the first movie he ever jerked off to was Titanic because he knew "they were totally doing it in that car."
spending my first valentines day single in 3 years blazed and eating heart shaped brownies i bought myself. WHO NEEDS A MAN.
Apparently being drunk on a southwest flight and yelling "TURNUP" during take off is looked down upon in this state.
I puked so hard this morning that I peed my pants. I'm a gem.
I just wrote the Drag Queen from Saturday Night on FB and apologized for licking her. Weirdest thing I have ever typed...
Quickly hiding the condom wrappers, ropes, and handcuffs right before the parents arrive to help with moving out? Priceless.
Beard. Chest hair. Job.
The holy trinity.
Ok here's the plan: birth control, KFC, handcuffs.
He had me sit on his face until I begged him to stop, then held me there 5 minutes longer. I rested my head on his chest, told him I needed time to recover....and slept for 6 hours. By the time I woke, he was already at work. I just sent him a countdown times until his shift is over.
Randomize
