I prefer the term 'tenderly watching'
such a stalker...
she wanted to love me. she just didn't know it yet.
Most awkward thing ever just happened. I was reaching in my purse to get something and a condom fell out into the woman's lap next to me. At least she knows I'm safe.
Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
i love that he's uncircumcised. it makes handjobs so much easier. it's the lazy susan of penises.
I had to carry you down because your legs weren't moving anymore but you were carrying the weights you stole from that guys room... and that's where the bruises came from.
Cancel that soberness update. I just almost fell down in the security line
Text me if you also stopped reading harry potter in the 4th grade and wanna go to the bars tonight instead of the midnight premiere
I just got peed on. This karma circle is starting to get vicious.
Think I pulled my pelvic muscle.
I think I pulled my ashamed of myself muscle.
His new place is a molesden. Like a hole in the ground. It's frightening how oddly private it is.
It rubs the lotion on it's foreskin...
Is it socially acceptable to be blind drunk at half five on a Monday afternoon?
Which pub are you in?
Just test drove the kilt for Justin's wedding. NEVER. WEARING. PANTS. AGAIN.
seriously i don't trust him. he fed me a hot dog out of a crock pot and gave me moonshine dashed jager bombs.
I drank Dr. Pepper and instant breakfast mix together and threw up sober for the first time.
What you have to understand is that our lives aren't a disappointment so much as they crashed and burned with lethal doses of radiation and dog shit.
Randomize
