Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
I don't think my ego could take a straight man out-cooking me.
Hey. Did u tell any1 that I use Nuvaring?
Cuz 1 of ur bf's frat bros just asked me if I wanted to "play ring toss later"
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
watching elf naked is so much better than watching it with clothes on .
Yeah not really sure what I said but I remember "douchebag" and "fuck your own face"
To a 70 year old lady?!
how did i get to the car and why are my shoes broken
Im watching him eat cream cheese and hot dog buns.
Partial kegs from last night are currently in my bathtub, which leads me to 2 questions: 1. What are you doing tonight? 2. Can I use your shower?
I got us chalkboard mugs. Now whoever comes home with us can feel comfortable in the morning! I am too considerate to my one-night stands...
I wish I cared about making my vagina as presentable as you do.
you start one little fire by the lake and the police want to talk to you all night...
If there's anything my liberal arts education has taught me, it's belligerence.
I'm sitting naked on my bathroom floor and it remind me of us.
That's my way of saying I miss you
My liver has officially said "fuck this shit" and escaped from my body.
Randomize
