I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
today's thought: if you're naming your fb album "wEdDiNg dAy!!!!!!" you're too young to get married
my night ended in me puking all over jenna's bed, then me trying to wash the sheets in the toilet.
Ummm I just broke my no puke streak at church
Totally just met the chick getting nailed in our lobby last night. Should I bring it up?
I poured everyones drinks into the ice bucket and then stuck my face in it. Apparently I'm a greedy drunk.
He came home all fucked up crying slammed his bedroom door and all we could hear for about three hours was THIS ISN'T GONA RUIN MYLIFe what happend
I told him I got this chick pregnant and he has to get a new wingman
I just finished packing for spring break, took me 4 minutes. To be fair though I only put my trunks, a pair of underwear, and 50 condoms in my bag.
I want to be "performing a disservice to society by actually wearing clothes in public" hot.
She called to say the cops were not fake cops. some one has to go get her in an hour
Do you want me to add this to the list of actions I will state at your intervention
I'm fucking sick of guys. I think I'm going to date myself. No drama. And I know I'll always put out.
Once someone takes a shit in your toilet they are no longer a guest.
My son's girlfriend just thanked me for having good penis genes.
It was only a blow job in his car. It's the same as giving a friend a back rub.
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