Guess who has two thumbs, loves booze, and just dug half a handle of rumb out of a trash can in a freshmen dorm? This classy gentleman. Good day to you sir!
Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
GET THE DICK OUT OF YOUR MOUTH AND CHECK FACEBOOK.
there were staples in my comforter. what kind of sex did we even have?
That's science, my friend. Boner science.
College is the ONLY place where you can pass off morning sickness as being hungover. I'm currently pouring beer in a spray bottle so I can spray it on myself and smell drunk.
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
Well I checked the bush outside his apartment building this morning, and he wasn't there... So I knew he was home.
I just went through the Wendy's drive thru only wearing a towel. My life has hit an all time low
I tried to celebrate Halloween, Thanksgiving, Hannukah, and New Years all in one night.
Agree to hang out with him and then take a gigantic shit right on him. Or if youve forgiven him for being a fucker maybe make out with him.
There is a Victoria's Secret pageant on right now with Taylor Swift singing in lingerie. I didn't know a penis could get this erect.
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
i just passed i guy i once let listen to me masterbate on the phone...nyc is not big enough
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
Randomize
