We made a percocet pizza. And then i made an unfortunate decision.
She solidified the fact that the icon from Wendy's is the only ginger I care for
Just smoked a bowl with the exterminator. I think my day is more productive.
His ankle bracelet only gets in the way when I'm trying to take off his pants.
You were rubbing sand all over yourself and everyone else and claiming you were "EXFOLIATING."
Just because you can put your penis in it does not make it "good stuff".
WHY does every guy I sleep with want to fix my car?!
Please don't mistake my med student status for responsibility. I'm drinking tequila while studying vascular surgery techniques.
God dammit not the cupcake channel. Not when I'm high.
I taught her to play Monopoly. She sold me her bra to keep from going bankrupt.
Just drink your champagne out of a trophy like a fuckin winner
Update: He still has devil magic genitals.
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
I guess daylight savings isn't a holiday we need to celebrate for three days...
And here I am, playing fetch with my cat at two in the morning.
Randomize
