Come to wood. Julia is putting pants on. We must stop her.
I've decided to bang my pen-pal.
I'm in that akward stage between jailbait and cougar
you kept wiggling your finger at everybody at the party telling us this is how he fingered me. you seemed pretty upset about it.
Feels weird sitting between two guys who've had their heads between my legs in a 24 hour span.
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
She just started grabbing all the hospital's rubber gloves and face masks and shoving them in her purse, saying, "My tax money paid for these!"
not the best booty call
did she squirt?
only if tears count
I actually took a sword out of your hands. You were samurai slashing lemons to make chasers.
I peed sitting down because I knew standing was a lost cause
You've opened Pandora's butthole my friend. There's no going back.
That's when I realized I was probably naked in the wrong bed
Just had to break it to that one guy that I can't sleep w him bc he looks identical to my brother. So how's your morning?
I just tried to dye my pubic hair teal for her
Call me Sherlock Holmes, bitch.
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