One of my students just wrote an essay on how ninjas, like drug addicts, must realize they need help before they can get better...I gave it an A+
i guess i finally out drove tiger woods this morning..
The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
No she stopped screaming. Now she's eating popcorn. Off a plate. With a spoon.
I need a Xanax. A Veggie Delight. And exhibition style sex.
So good news, aparently I blacked out and tried to go in the back of the mcdonalds to thank the people for makin my fries
I own a halfway home for drunk girls, this is my life
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
I just spent 20 mins in the shower washing n rewashing my body to get rid of stripper. I even loofa'd my face.
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
Well. I mean as excuses for running late go, 'losing track of time in the bathhouse' has gotta be up there on the top ten.
can you please not set my house on fire for once???
If my vagina were a person, it just ran a marathon.
I can't come. It's so cold my uterine walls have frozen together like a cherry popsicle.
I just bought a bottle of dried bees on Etsy. I am the wrong person to talk you out of this.
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