too bad being hungover isnt a job. just threw up from 9am to 5pm
Even My mom was ashamed of me bringing her home, she pulled me aside, and told me i can do better than, "butter faces"
It wasn't until i was on my knees with three dicks in my face that i thought it might be a bad idea
You were too busy being proud of your penis shaped pancakes to notice...
thanks for the bloody nose. you probably dont remember, i'm not mad.. only because your boobs are to blame
Unfortunately hes not a hipster douchebag with no life goals, so naturally I'm not interested.
Just saw a guy with two baby turtles sneaking into the building
Every guy I've ever fucked is single right now
Pray for me
I will feed you tacos. I will touch your butt. Happy Valentine's Day ❤️
I threw my shoes out of frustration and walked home barefoot... can you help me find my shoes in the morning
Puked in my purse on my Uber ride home last night. Safe to say it's not a good idea to beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
i can eat my weight in tater tots. don't test me, bitch
I'm shrooming way too hard to deal with your bullshit at this particular point in time
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
Thanks for supporting me through Robs retirement. I'm still in shock, but your dick helped.
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