Im so sleepy and hes snoring super loud! i just wanna suffocate him, sleep, and deal with the body when I wake up
look. either you want to have late night naked sleep overs or you don't. do not involve dinner and extraneous conversations in this relationship.
just saw 2 fat kids fight for the last slice of pizza. Litteraly fight. God Bless America
Through drunken recall, I have managed to bring back awful memories of losing my virginity. And possibly traumatized my niece trying to get her to "learn from my mistakes".
it's like his penis is God's way of saying "sorry about his face"
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
he said something along the lines of "fish can smell fear"
Florida has a way of just fucking with a person's soul and jizzing all over their hopes and dreams. Like existential bukkake.
Did you have ill-advised lesbian sex on the deathbed of their relationship?
Of course. Go big or go home.
You're my fucking queen.
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
Getting a blow job while breaking up with my gf helps cope with the pain... Kinda weird her best friend is giving me the BJ
Her hotness level dropped from an 8 to a 2 as soon as I walked into her place. It REEKED of cat piss and there was no litter box and NO CATS.
Tent sex on an air mattress requires balance and flexibility. Not for the faint of heart
We have moved from phase 1: honeymoon, to phase 2: trapped in relationship until the cold embrace of death
At what point can I admit that I hate going to house parties?
I don't wanna stand in your shitty kitchen making small talk while I guard the quality booze I brought.
Randomize
