Guys who wear capris make me want to kill endangered species.
Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
My life has hit rock bottom, I'm watching a movie on lifetime about retarded people falling in love. And I'm jealous of their relationship.
she told me her fantasy was her as a 55 year old cook at a truck stop who smokes a pack a day, and I was the 21 year old illegal immigarnt prep cook.
I just put a picture of what I imagine Rob's dick looks like on it on my vision board. thank you Oprah!
he ate out my asshole, i really don't think he gets embarrassed easily.
I am never taking advice from you again. The high heels in the shower were a bad idea. I orgasmed and almost drowned.
I don’t know what's weirder; the fact that I weigh more with an erection..or the fact that I actually weighed myself with an erection...
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
After a while I was so wet that I started crying. HE MADE ME SO HORNY I WEPT.
Dude. I'm no longer allowed to use my sword when drinking. I just spent 20 min cleaning up popcorn. I stabbed Moe in the leg and chopped his door knob off
Someone needs to fuck me in my slutty pumpkin costume and I would ideally like it to be you
I made him leave to get me chicken nuggets so I could have sex with his roommate
I'm currently using a band-aid to cover my bar stamp from last night while I ask my professor for an extension. That's a sign of getting more responsible, right?
I'm either hallucinating or there is a dying cat outside my apartment....
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