I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
I don't know where I am, but I'm drinkin & I like these people
he tried breathing fire using moonshine and a roman candle. would not have believed it unless i actually witnessed it.
the good news is that i vommed the last of my humanity last night.
welcome to the club.
Recycling day makes me feel more like an alcoholic than regular days.
THERE IS NOT ENOUGH CAPSLOCK IN THE HISTORY OF THE WORLD TO EXPRESS MY CURRENT STATE OF WHAT THE FUCK JUST HAPPENED
You puked on yourself, then demanded to take shower. In which you kept saying "its raining"
I am sure I don't wanna know but I have to ask... Why is there a kiddie pool full of jello in the living room?
I started the day with dreams of getting laid and ended it with the reality of eating Taco Bell in my bed with my dog.
We need a rematch, I think my pussy was on vacation the other night.
I fucked him on shrooms. His dick looked like a missile and he had snakes coming out of his ears. It. Was. AWESOME!
I just opened my travel toothbrush holder and it smelled like vodka...maybe a vodka cranberry. This says a lot about my vacations.
The report specifies "melted cheese food" as the cause of the burns. Your pride, like your cock, isn't getting out of this without heavy damage.
So this ukranian guy got angry and took his clothes off. Now he has my credit card and I can't find my keys.
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