I tried to give up sex for lent. It feels weird that on easter I'm this excited to be a whore again
If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
i found you on the dancefloor with your cell phone to your ear saying that you didn't like the music they played at the club so you were going to listen to your own
I woke up naked, with 10 visible bite marks and a black eye. I'm just going to assume that it was a good night.
SHE has hooked up with both me and my sister. I don't even know what to say. If she goes for my parents next I may have to kill her
She eyed me up from across the bar and mouthed "I have no gag reflex".
your friend did not want a bj. we need to leave. this is very awkward.
im drinking tequila tonight so will you babysit my bra?
It's not really the holidays until I raid the medicine cabinet. Happy hydrocodone to me
And a merry methadone to all
There was so much jailbait at the festival that there was no other option but to drink my morals away
After we had sex he told me it was a "goodbye gift". We haven't talked since.
Oohh. Then yes, he is the Alpha Fuckboy.
And with the bitter taste of failure in my mouth, i am off to pub to drown it in tequila and 19 year olds, so in the morning i can add pregnancy and stds to my list of problems.
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize
