my mom just found my bong and asked what it was. I told her it was a hookah
and she bought it?!?
yeah...but her friends at work told her hookah was fun and now she wants to smoke it with me...im thinkin yes
totally got the gold medal for the best fence jump when the cops came.
just watched the video of me leading you with a trail of french fries.
You know, he picked a really shitty time to stop sleeping with me to pay attention to his girlfriend.
I'm standing in line at the liquor store and they're making popcorn.
I will pray to the gods of eye bleach for you
Yeah. Not my best idea. But I'm hoping for the best . And by best, I mean not jail
You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"
Was my mother there when I broke the stipper pole?
i just stole a 8 pack of olde english 40s and 2 roles of duct tape. we are going to make edward proud tonight.
Dude, I brought the fucking tequila to that party and they cheered for the chick that seriously only brought limes.
Hearing them have a conversation is like listening to water buffalo have sex. Awkward and scarring.
Apparently when it was last call I jumped up on the bar and told everyone to get the fuck out, which was immediately followed by a round of applause from the bouncers/bartenders and my tab getting paid as well.
I'm just sayin. If your gonna cheat go for someone TOTALLY different. Fucking her twin would be a waste.
I'm experimenting with sincerity
Randomize