Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
He had to pee in the sink beside my head because the girl that I was taking care of was passed out on the toilet. To answer your question: yes i took a peek. Thats why we hooked up later.
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
I was more traumatized by the table collapsing while i was going down on you.
careful of the bathroom.... theres some drunken ninja turtles in there....
What's a nice way of saying "You fell asleep, and I got bored, so I made out with your brother"?
Well, they emptied out the keg by the third kegstand for America.
There is a bottle of ciroc waiting graciously on my breakfast table. It's almost a sign for me to live up to my Russian blood.
where are you?
talk to ya later, gotta sled down these stairs real quick
I just finished packing for spring break, took me 4 minutes. To be fair though I only put my trunks, a pair of underwear, and 50 condoms in my bag.
lonely sunday drunk me decided to tweeze my pubes. HORRIBLE IDEA
If I had a dick, I'd stick it in some Oreo pancakes
It's like the cookie assaulted me with being high.
Lies! You took my virginity, and now my cigarettes!
Why is no one on Snapchat tonight? I want to see other people having fun so I know it still exists.
Randomize
