she has no idea who harrison ford is.
see that's why i'd never date someone born in the 90s
So I accidentally txted this girl with the same name as the one im seeing, as it turns out shes still dtf
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
I just had a boat ride of shame. With Senior Citizens.
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
about 90% sure I fell off a roof. It hurts BAD. Don't suppose you're still in town?
yup haha I infact DID fall off a roof. Want some bomb ass omlettes?
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
Ive consumed more rum studying for law school finals than I did that time I fucked that fat chick in the back of VW Beetle. It's all ugly, but for different reasons.
On a scale of 1 to 3, with 1 being the smallest and 3 being the largest, what size nipple pasty do you think I am?
My car smells like beer, you're here in spirit
I hit a child with a fudge sickle from a moving vehicle after he flipped me off, I feel like a God. Tell no one. My partner didn't see it.
He told me that his favorite part about me is hearing my voice while we fuck. I think that was the nicest thing he has EVER said to me.
Alright I'd bang a 4 sober, It's been like 3-4 weeks or how ever long 4th of July was ago. I wanna fuck something.
4th of July was 12 days ago. The date is literally in the text you just sent.
I don't care about the dates I just wanna bone something.
I want your cock. I also want to cuddle you and tell you how amazing you are, because you know balance.
It's days like today that make me happy I'm not a porn star.
Randomize
